I am a person who ponders life quite often. I literally catch myself thinking about every little thing. Just yesterday my husband and I were driving and I saw an emaciated cow in a pasture. No joke, I literally couldn’t stop talking about that cow and wondering why he was so skinny and if his owner knew of his well-being. I get stuck on things quite easily.
One of the biggest things I have been pondering is how I will be known when my time on earth is done. Who would congregate for my funeral? What would be said on the way there or on the way home? Have I done anything worth being remembered?
If I were to lay it out and recap the perception of myself, here’s what it would be
1. I truly believe I love people fiercely. I wear my heart on my sleeve, so I find it easy to love. However, with that being said, I also have a hard time showing the love when someone burns me. I sort of fade away from those people and don’t choose to invest time as I once did. Do I think that is right? No, but sometimes yes… I have to guard myself and my heart. I know what I can handle and what I cannot. There are some people who I have tougher skin with because I know they’re there for the long haul; however, this is a part of me I’m working on daily.
2. I truly want each and every person to know they are loved and special. I know this may seem contradictory to what I just wrote, but it’s different. I may not always be the person to make people feel loved and special, but everyone deserves to feel appreciated by someone. For instance, I rode past a homeless lady yesterday on the highway who wasn’t even holding up a sign, instead, her head was down as she sat on her bags. My heart broke. What was she thinking? What was going through her head? I wished I could have helped her and shown her that no matter what circumstances led her to where she was, she was loved. I sure hope someone was able to tell her.
3. Even if I don’t seem like a friend (whether we had been friends in the past, faded apart through circumstances, or if we had different life directions) know that I still think of you and wish no ill on you, but instead, that you will receive the best the Lord and this life has to offer. There have been times I have disconnected from people from my past, deleted people off of Facebook, or just, in general, stopped talking to some people. I honestly feel sorry if this hurts your feelings, honestly, it’s not my intention at all. Everything I do is in accordance with boundaries I have set. I don’t like negativity and hurtfulness. If I feel or perceive that it is happening to me… It has to go. However, I never forget people, no matter what the circumstance is. Know that I wish you the best in all of life for you.
4. If anyone needs a shoulder to cry on, I am here. I am a good listener and will give you a hug and the support you need. I try to not be judgmental and realize that I am no better than the next, so there isn’t room for judgment. I try to live as a testimony, that I am saved by grace and so that others can see Christ through my life.
With all of these qualities I have listed above, they mean nothing if others don’t see me in the way I see myself. So to those that see me, I pray that you see what I have worked so hard to be and perceive myself to be- a woman who loves Christ, loves people and lives accordingly. I want to be able to answer my own “what have I done?” with full surety I have led the life I was meant to live, and at my end, you could say the same.